Pointless. Directionless. Lonely. Sad. Tired. That is how I feel now. Yet at the same time my heart is open. I am loving. Aware. There is room in my being for all these things. Yet I am captivated by the former few feelings. How come? I do not know. I do know that right now I seek direction, clarity, purpose. Something that gives meaning. Yet I do not know how to go about it. One person told me today to find that which opens my heart, and then to let the Light in (or flow). But there is only one thing that opens my heart. And that is what I am. And so, I leave my heart open. But I still experience no joy. No ‘sweetness of emotion’. Just emptiness. Observing my experiences. Yet living them at the same time. Nothing seems real. Nothing has intrinsic value, except by being aware of it. It seems very pointless. I accept that it seems pointless. That there is nothing to ‘do’. And am sad about that. And embrace my sadness. Lovingly. Sigh… It seems hard.
So – processing various aspects of what I carry with me seems hard work. And a lot of it. I have been going at it for a long time now. Lightening that which is part of my experience yet not fully processed/experienced. So, I am dealing with that now. Part of it is because it serves me to lighten what my body, mind, and heart experience. Not sure why. Perhaps it has to do with teaching others at some point. It does not feel like that now. It just feels like an endless procession of work, with no clarity about the goal, except that that is what is right for me to do. Clarity about what is right does not make the work easier. At least not so far.
For most people, I hear, ‘enlightenment’ occurs fully when they shed the body. Let us see what happens.
Some things I am working on yet allowing to happen: health, wealth, ascension, enlightenment (yet I let go of that at the same time to just be in the present moment), and wonderful times with my family and others. I have dealt with anger, fear, worry, concern, desire, and doubt and faith on these things. And I am now quick to recognize/feel in others what is going on in these fields. Knowing what something is (and its lack of intrinsic existence) takes away its power. Just like many other things do. In a broader context – working through/knowing/being the 112 ways Shiva taught keeps me busy mornings, and most of the day if and when I am aware of that. Being seems to be the core of what is expected of me. By whom I wonder. By me? Yes, also by me, yet also by others. Sigh. ‘Poor me’ symptoms I see. Ok so that’s fine too. No lasting relief unless I surrender to God. Ok. So, I do. No idea what that means. But I do. And I give up resistance. All resistance to what is.
One thing after another on my path. Endless it seems. Yet all is already there. The whole path has been walked. Yet I stand here on it. Confusing. Time ripples and becomes visible. There is no future, no past. Only now. And what is now is my being aware of many things. I don’t like it. It is uncomfortable. So many impressions, people, thoughts, feelings. I don’t want to feel and be aware of all of that. So, I accept that I don’t want that. And it dissipates. And now I feel discouraged. I focus on that, accept that too. And it goes. And I feel joy come up. And now I feel tired. And I dissolve that by knowing its opposite, and unifying it with the tiredness. And then it goes.
So – a brief look into Mikan and his experiences. Only 15 or so minutes of it. Yet a lot seems to happen in that time. Becoming efficient and knowing, recognizing what is, and processing it. Allowing it to be. No more struggle. And then the Peace that was there is more in the foreground. Knowing that it is never not there. Gratitude to God. And the Angels supporting me. Thank you.